I am certain that most Filipino-Americans have encountered multiple struggles in the United States of America. While I am focusing on relationships, not necessarily “life” per se in America, this column will intend to address American citizen Filipinos involved with, and entwined with white Americans, Caucasians, or different-culture-Americans by marriage or simply “in love” (or not – but is ‘coupled’ one way or another with whatever interest) with a special someone to share their lives in this land of “milk and honey” as what migrants perceived to get, factoring their decision to pursue the American dream.
Let us start off with this Filipino who braved expressing his predicament:
Dear Andi,
Hirap na hirap na ako (I am so tired). I married my wife who loves me so much, probably a lot much more than how much I love her, which is good, but as she is a white American woman, her expectation of having a husband is very different from having a Filipino husband. In the same way, my expectation of a wife is a mind-blowing culture shock in having a non-Filipino wife.
I speak only for myself knowing that every relationship is not the same because I know other couples who have worked their mixed marriage perfectly to this point. But my wife’s selfishness and narrow-minded jealousies, with made-up stories, make me miserable every waking morning and middle of the night when she shakes me awake to ask, “Who is your other woman!!??” …only to gather that she dreamt I had one (and this is not a one-time thing).
Every morning when I go to work, I make my own peanut butter sandwich, when I crave for sinigang or adobo with rice, and when I come home, I have to buy pizza, burger, or chicken fritters for dinner. My wife does not cook and told me I should do my own laundry. I cannot afford to hire someone to cook, do the laundry and clean the house as my salary is just enough to pay for our home, the baby’s needs, and her beauty rituals. However, money is not really the problem as I can have a second job. But as soon as I come home, she expects me to take care of the baby since it is “my turn” after she took care of our daughter the whole day. It is also her idea of being the center of everything: I have to wear what she thinks will NOT make me appealing to other women, I can only go out with her when her friends have parties and most of all, I should never contradict her because she said is always right.
I love her, Andi, but I am not sure how to manage my situation.
Please help me.
Mr. Problemado
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Dear Mr. Problemado,
Thank you for your letter.
I feel for you, wanting to find a way to make your marriage work. You are among the men that need to be applauded for your patience and indulgence towards your wife and your infant daughter.
I can give you my two cents worth right away, after having read your letter, however, I need to give your situation its due valuation and therefore wish to find out the other side of the coin and it is only fair that I further ask some questions prior to an assumption that my recommendations will be the best.
For now, I can advise you to have a heart-to-heart dialogue with your wife to express that you love her and assure her that she is the only love of your life and stay calm even if she is unreasonable without being too “defensive”. On your day off, try to cook your favorite adobo (or buy it) and have her eat and taste it with you. If she prefers another favorite dish you want, then go for that! While you are both in that scenario, encourage her with the idea that you would love to taste her own version of the dish (just to see if she will be willing to learn to prepare dishes for you).
As for the clothes that should not “attract” other women, just tell her that whatever clothes you wear, what is important is that YOUR focus is no other woman than HER. Other women looking at you will not be important as it will not change your love for her. When she shakes and wakes you in the middle of your sleep because of a dream of infidelity, try to control yourself knowing it is ridiculously not true, and just kiss her with the reassurance of your love. Among other things that are causing your unease, the matter of concluding whether to “save or shun” your relationship, needs more deliberation.
Your letter did not provide a return address for me to correspond with you and I understand you prefer anonymity to protect your personal marital affairs, but please allow me the advantage of gauging my angle by sending me an e-mail at letters@filamtv.us (for Dear Andi and Dear Inday column) in order for me to ask you more details about your circumstances. Thereafter, I can give an objective recommendation for you to resolve your concerns.
Allow me to commend your move to seek help because, with an infant daughter, we must seek every possible resolution to your unique temporary strain; and with the possibility that others who have gone through similar situations and have succeeded in finding the correct resolve, they can give their guidance to help as well. Those who have good suggestions and insights can write us by sending us an email at letters@filamtv.us
